Desi Rant #1 The Defense of Arranged Marriage

Arranged marriage has always been an annoying pestilence that has persisted even after Indians split the atom and crash-landed a flag-like object on the moon. That custom has been shredded by better minds than us. So we'll leave that be. But an annoying new habit has developed among desis in the US - the passionate defense of arranged marriage!

And here's how it developed. A typical desi immigrant in the US tends to come from the bigger cities in India. Cities where arranged marriage is no longer the default option. More often than not, if you find a nice guy or a girl by yourselves, who is at least the same religion as you, and has a good job or career prospects, your parents will not mind.

So our desi guys, right from the time they were in middle school in India, have been pursuing some girl or the other. They let the girl know about their feelings. But these mama's boys often possess no social skills, aren't much to look at, and haven't quite learnt how to play the game. So the girl politely refuses, often saying either a) I never thought of you THAT way, let's just be friends, or b) Right now I want to focus on my studies/career/job/retirement/funeral arrangements (depending on when you proposition the girl). Some guys succeed and they are the rare ones, but most guys fail.

So the guy tried to bag his school crush, she said no. Then he went on to engineering college and tried to bag an attractive girl there, but she said no. Then he started working in an IT company, and went after a cute-ish chick there, but his efforts didn't pay off. Finally he got through to an MS program in the US, and tried his luck with the girls he met at desi parties and ISA celebrations, but dinged. He then starts working and tries to meet more girls and date them, but it does not work. Efforts are also made online - match.com, eharmony.com and so on. But nothing goes beyond a couple of coffee dates early in the evening. Efforts are also made to date some non-Indian girls, but seriously, if the guy did not get anywhere pursuing a low-expectations desi chick, what change could he have with others?

So in the decade and a half since puberty hit, most desis in the US have not managed to claim a single girlfriend. Even if they did date someone for a short while, it did not go beyond first base. And at the age of 26-27, his sperm are convinced that their natural destination is the dank bedroom air and then a kitchen towel.

The next time his parents call and suggest arranged marriage, the option does not look too bad. All the groundwork is done by parents, and at the end of it, he is assured of a warm female body that will be all his - complete with breasts and hips and buttocks and of course, the vagina. So he gives his parents a green signal, meets a few girls on his next India trip, picks the least ugly one with good career prospects. And comes back to the US, wife in tow.

Which is all fine. But then he senses the condescension when his white colleagues and friends ask him "Did you have an arranged marriage?" He has to say yes. There are of course some other desi friends who were lucky enough to land girlfriends on their own whom they either married, or are dating (and bonking). These are the very friends with whom he used to sit years ago, over tobacco or alcohol, and denounce this arcane tradition of arranged marriage. These are the guys who were witnesses to his vows of never going in for that stone-age relic of a custom.

So the apologia begins. The painfully contrived and put-together defense of the arranged marriage. You've all heard it, haven't you? Here are some of the lines that feature in your harden variety arranged marriage defense -

- The most accurate way of describing it would be... love-cum-arranged marriage. Our parents arranged for us to meet, but we fell in love first and only then got married. What? Yeah, who says you can't fall in love in 3 weeks?

- Dude, it's no different than being fixed up..only your parents fix you up

- I would have fallen in love with her even if I had met her otherwise. What? yes of course, she would have too!

- There was no pressure on us. Our parents just "introduced" us and from there it was all up to us.

- It's not like the old days any more. Sweetie and I got to "date" for a few months. We would spend hours together on skype or gtalk. Yes, we even went for some movies and dinners.

- At the end of the day, look at the divorce rate in the US. Who is to say love marriages will necessarily last longer?

- Remember our friend Ajit? He married his high-school sweetheart and see what happened? They are now separated and she is banging some Hispanic guy.

- Dude, I REALLLLLLLY needed to get laid

Okay, the last one is not part of it. But the last one is the only valid reason for abandoning one's anti-arranged-marriage bluster and meekly going along.

Just to be clear, we here at desiranter have nothing against arranged marriages. Some of our best friends are arranged marriages. It is the laborious defence of arranged marriage that bugs us so much. And that is the first rant on this blog.