Desi Rant #5 Yuppie Marathon-ing

If you had a dollar for every time a desi you know in America told you he was training for some marathon, you would be swimming in gold. Unfortunately it works the other way. Every time some desi decides to run for a marathon, he asks you to donate money to support the cause he is supposedly running for, so it actually leaves you way poorer.

Why have droves of desis suddenly started training for marathons in recent years? The first reason is common to most annoying desi habits in America. Validation. Break room brownie points. Here's how it works -

In grad school or in the workplace, the desi comes in contact with white people. And white people love their sports. Not only do they obsessively follow professional sports, but usually play one or two of them on a regular basis - tennis, football, soccer, racketball, baseball, hockey, skating, skiing.... name a sport and you know some white guy at work who plays it every week. And what does the average desi play? Maybe some cricket once in a while, usually with a tennis ball.

So when everyone is talking at length about the sport they play, our desi feels left out. Cricket, unlike slumdogs, has not yet become "cool" in America, despite the success of Joseph O'Neill's book. The desi needs to find some other sport that will give him something to talk about. Something universal.

But if he actually starts playing one of the others sports on the weekend, who will go to Pioneer Blvd or Oak Tree Hill Road to stuff their faces? Who will arrange the desi coccoon parties? Who will go to the Venkateshwara temple 80 miles away? And who will watch the new Shah Rukh movie?

And then there is also the risk of sucking badly at that sport in the presence of colleagues and wives. The problem with a lot of the other sports is that you have to actually play them right away, and compete with others. That requires time away from other FOB-ish indulgences and some actual skill or athleticism.

Which is why marathons are such a great thing for the desi. Because you don't really have to "compete" in a marathon. For months you can just tell people you are "training for the marathon". And what does the training entail? Jogging at your convenience at a leisurely pace, 3 days a week. If you see a desi you know dressed in cut-off denim shorts or jaded khaki shorts, with an old collared t-shirt on top (because the desi will never actually buy running clothes....why do that when you have old clothes lying around?), knee-length white socks and Walmart sneakers (buying expensive marathon shoes is also rarely done), plodding along slower than a grandma on a stroll, be warned! He is convinced he is training for a marathon. And sooner or later, you will see a fund-raising email from him.

Most desis are just content with "training for marathons", in other words, jogging regularly. That gives them something moderately acceptable to talk about at work when the conversation turns to sports. They will also throw in the name of the charity they are running for, because that earns them bonus points for "trying to make a difference". The charity is usually Indian, involved with something related to slums. White colleagues have seen Slumdog recently, so they happily go to the link in the soliciting email and donate 20 bucks. And everyone is happy.

Thr training proceeds at a luxurious pace, with no attention being paid to speed - "speed is not important, dude. finishing is what counts!", their marathon veteran fellow-desis from the charity org will tell them. So the desi, even after months of training is running at a coomfortable 14-15 minutes a mile, sure to finish the marathon behind some geriatrics.

Of course, the wife will be in tow, cheering at the starting line taking pictures, and then again at the finish line, almost 6 boring hours later, taking pictures. And then at the end, after finishing barely inside the generous time limit set by the organizers, when our desi gets his piddly completion medal, the wife will have him hold him up as if it is Michael Phelps' 8th medal, and take a few pictures of that. All these pictures will be uploaded on picasa or facebook, so that white friends can leave polite congratulatory messages. The medal will be displayed in the living room or even better, in the cubicle.

And now our desi can start thinking of himself as a jock, and when talking about sports, he can graduate from saying "I am training for a marathon" to casually saying "I am a long-distance runner!" Even if that is pretty much the only marathon he ever runs in his life. Others may have their expensive skis, Bruline tennis rackets and spiked soccer shoes. Our desi has his marathon completion medal!